Hello and welcome to The Rushed Behind’s Think Tank.
Eddie McGuire has called for Sherrin footballs to be redesigned to allow them to be easier to grip in the wet.
Following Eddie’s innovative (read: quite strange) idea, the brains trust at The Rushed Behind have put their heads together to come up with other r̶i̶d̶i̶c̶u̶l̶o̶u̶s̶ brilliant ways to t̶a̶m̶p̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ fix the game.
As it stands, it’s slow. It’s low scoring. If @Gillon McLachlan follows our suggestions, we’ll never see games like the not-very-engaging Richmond v Collingwood clash again.
You want to fix footy? This is how.
1. Kicking boots. Mandatory.
Hey @Gil, are you tired of forwards missing goals?
Don’t you love watching Levi Casboult or Jason Castagna slot goal after goal, while the commentators cry “He’s got his kicking boots on today”?
If you’re going to make the Sherrin easier to hold, then you have to make it easier to kick too.
There’s got to be a way to fix the low scores – and fortunately there is!!!
If you want better skills and better accuracy, then make it mandatory for players to wear their kicking boots.
Every. Single. Week.
Watch the scores increase, and thank me later.
2. Morning Grand Final.
The two party system is frustrating in politics, and it’s pretty frustrating in the AFL.
Sometimes there are only two options to choose between, but they are both so repulsive that you don’t want to pick either one.
Deciding your preferred start time for the Big Dance can feel like choosing your democratically elected representative at times.
Afternoon Grand Final? Night Grand Final? Why are these the only choices we are given?
I'm here to offer an independent alternative, which means seeing through the lies and deception from the Afternoon faction and the Night faction, who don't actually care about the Grand Final, only political point scoring.
A MORNING Grand Final would have that great spring morning atmosphere: the resurgent springtime sun shining fresh upon the Melbourne dew.
With more and more Victorians turning vegan, perhaps this would allow the out-dated Grand Final BBQ to die out and be replaced by the more modern “smashed avo on toast viewing party”.
Finish the Grand Final by 11:30am and then everyone can get on with their day.
3. More Gambling Advertisements.
The AFL are cash strapped from coronavirus hitting the pause button on the season.
If they need money, they ought to double down on their mission to turn every footy fan into a raging gambling addict, e̶v̶e̶n̶ especially the young teenagers who are about to get drafted.
The more Jaidyn Stephensons there are being saturated with gambling promotions, before paying huge fines for placing bets with the AFL’s Official Wagering Partner, the better.
4. Jumper Numbers.
“Urrrrr. Arrrr. Umm. Number 9 was what I wore as a junior cos I loved Shane Crawford, and that’s why I wear it now in the AFL.”
Sorry, but, WHO CARES?
Jumper numbers mean NOTHING as it stands currently.
Get rid of this stupid system and put some valuable information on the back of the jumper instead.
We suggest the player’s height or weight.
And hey, Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti could keep the same number.
Otherwise we could have everyone’s star sign on their back.
Then when Jack Riewoldt is having a shocking game such as he did against Collingwood, it will all make sense when fans see on his jumper that he’s a Scorpio.
How about that shot from 30 metres that didn’t make the distance?
Typical Scorpio, talk about unreliable. If only he’d had his kicking boots on.
5. Big Brother Style Elimination.
I love Big Brother.
I’ve been watching Kieran try to turn housemates against each other, while former Gold Coast star Daniel Gorringe faces his pigeon phobia.
I don’t like saying it, but this is way more entertaining than Richmond vs Collingwood was.
Imagine Kane Cornes and Damian Hardwick getting together in the green room whispering about how they’re going to evict Tex Walker, only for Hardwick to vote for Bucks because he’s a “bigger threat”?
Get the popcorn ready.
And the challenges, that call on contestants deepest physical and mental resources? Imagine Patrick Cripps and Nic Nat in these.
Yes please.
6. New Ideas November.
Some people say “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, but that’s so dumb.
If you’ve got a great sport like AFL, and then have a hundred ideas to improve it, surely it will be 100 times better after you implement them.
I know that every footy fan loves rule changes, format changes, and all the improvements we can make to our game.
So why am I doing all the work here?
A month-long war room where the brightest minds in footy come together to propose as many brilliant strategies as they can think of is something I want to see.
Finals in September is a good warm up for the real excitement of October and the player movement that comes with it, but November could be even more entertaining still, once New Ideas November starts throwing up more suggestions like the ones in this article.
Comments